Life

     Last night I drank too much. Again. And I took too many pills. Again. Guess who is still here? I don't want to be. I don't have joy, friendship or fun anymore. And then nights like last night happen because when I drink it's harder to hold it all in and I talk. Then the more that I talk the more upset I get. So I go to my husband for support and he does nothing. He usually falls asleep or tells me I'm being irrational. He never tries to help me feel better about myself or my life. I would bet he actually isn't even listening most of the time, all that he hears is tone and chooses his actions solely based on that. Why am I staying with this man who very obviously doesn't see me?

    I've been having worsening health issues and I've waited months for the appointment I was supposed to go to, but didn't. Why? My husband didn't like my tone and told me he wasn't taking me, so I decided that I'd had enough and was going to finally leave. I was packed up and literally walking out the door when I stepped on an extension cord and twisted me knee. I said fuck it, clearly some higher force doesn't want me to leave this way, I'll just go with the acetaminophen and Brandy. So that's what I did. And then I woke up with a hell of a sore knee and no idea where my phone was. My appointment was 3 hours away and my husband wakes me up when we are supposed to be leaving... as if literally nothing had happened last night. Did he offer to help me? No. Did he give me enough time to get up and ready on my own? No.
    This is the essence of my life. Debilitating mental and physical health issues and people living in my house that can clearly see and hear that I'm falling apart. And they do nothing. I feel like a servant, not like a sister or wife, a servant. How can this not be hell? And what is this curse that's holding me here? I'm in hell, I'm too stupid to leave and I know it. But I'm too broken to do anything about it. I need a person to just swoop in here and change my life for me.

    I learned just a few hours ago that my cousin suddenly died last night. I barely knew him but he was a good guy. He was in his 20's, married with kids, was in one of those tight families that do things together. His life was just beginning. So many fun family nights filled with laughter and toys and holidays were in front of him. His parents and wife must be absolutely in shock and devastated. All I know is that he accidently shot himself. In an instant he was just gone. Why? Why is he gone and I'm still here? I don't want to be, I actually want out and have for way too long. 

    It pisses me off to think about all the ones he left behind and all the things he and they are going to miss out on because of one second. How is that fair? How can people think that a special someone is watching over us and taking care of us when I feel like this but he's the one that's gone? For some people this may give them some sort of kick in the ass and make them feel differently about their situation and turn things around. I am not that person. I am too bitter, too sick, too sad and too far gone; I need a fucking miracle or angel or something. But if they existed he would still be here and I wouldn't be in this personal hell. 

    Listen, be extra obsessively careful when you're handling a gun. Even if you know what you're doing, you've handled guns for years and the safety is on. It only takes one second and one shot for it to be all over, and you can't take that second back. If you value your life, take care of it. And take care of those around you and your loved ones. One small action that really means nothing to you could be life changing for someone else.